- "Amazing. A tube less than a minute behind and you have to jam your brainless lump in the door. Well done." heard by @PFPTMillsy on Feb 3 2014
- "Apparently the train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I to was under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but 'they' have other ideas. I mean why tell me - I'm just the driver.
- "Attention Please, The XX:XX Service to Manchester Airport will now depart from Platform 4 due to the signaller changing his mind...!!!"
- "could someone tell me why there's an astronaut on platform one?" - Made by a platform attendant at St Albans City station on 2014 Dec 4 when an Astronaut appeared on the platform
The gate attendant approached speechlessly and asked, curiously, "may I see your face, please?"
The astronaut did not oblige but provided his ticket and bounced through to platform one. The gate attendant remained speechless and completely befuddled.
The astronaut is believed to have taken off on a train and according to passenger Lara Colvill landed at City Thameslink less than an hour later.
"Ladies and gentlemen, sorry for the delay to this service - we've been asked to stop the train because some convicts have broken out of the local prison, and they're trying to escape along the tracks."
Ten minutes later:
"Ladies and gentlemen, there will be a further delay to this service, because the police are now on the tracks trying to apprehend the criminals. Hopefully they'll get the job done soon and then we can be on our way."
- "due to wet weather, services may be slippery" << think that meant to be surfaces
- "Connex wishes you a merry Christmas... happy New Year... and I'd just like to leave you with this thought; Remember, a dog is not just for Chrismas." Long pause. "It's pretty good cold on Boxing Day too.", Apparently one Christmas Eve on a train out of Victoria - BBC
- Driver: "We're entering this tunnel to see if it's on fire", Mountfield Tunnel near Robertsbridge, East Sussex
- I got on a train and the entire carriage was in darkness. A conductor loomed out of the dark and said, 'It's a ghooooost traaiiin!'
- "Hopefully that's the worst part of the day over for you - but then again you might be watching England tonight." - Southeastern driver June 19 2012
- "Has anyone seen a half naked lady as I have found a pile of clothes" - Southeastern announcement posted on twitter March 11 2013
- On a train from Bristol, the female guard announced at the beginning of the journey that she would be grateful if "passengers could refrain from sticking their heads out of the windows when the train was moving, since any accidents would cause a delay and involve her in a lot of paperwork".
- "I'm the captain of your train and we will be departing shortly. We will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3.15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15°C and it is in the same time zone as Mill Hill East so there's no need to adjust your watches."
- "Where are currently cruising at 100mph at a height of 6 feet, etc." - Southeastern 19:15 Charing Cross to Hastings, Apr 3 2012
- "Would Inspector Sands please report to the operations room immediately"
- "would Inspector Sands please report to platform 2"
- "Ladies and gentlemen, this train has 22 doors on each side. Please feel free to use all of them, not just the two in the middle."
- "Ladies and gentlemen, a bit of bad news for you, the train's not working so we're going to have to ring Hitachi"
- 'Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?...... The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham'.
- On the Waterloo & City Line they apologised very solemnly once for "any delays which were due to leaves on the line". This is highly improbable given that it's the only line on the tube that's entirely underground, but it continued to fool people until they realised that it was April 1st.
- "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed in any part of the train. However if you are smoking a joint, it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
- "May I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, round, filthy and smells, this is a train and not a bin on wheels."
- "Please refrain from shouting on the phone as you are annoying other passengers." 
- Please dont put... ‘goldfish, hopes and dreams’ down the toilet
- "Sorry about the delay.You might have to pull out a pack of cards or do the unthinkable and talk to your fellow passengers."
- "Sorry for those who haven't got a seat, there are lots of people getting off at each stop... but there are lots getting on too" - Via @commuteldn Oct 3 2014
- "I'm sorry, there are just too many people standing." Southeastern train to London Victoria April 8 2015
- "The sheep that were on the line at Crew are now back in the pen. The line is now clear"
- Guard announcement "'opportunistic thieves do operate on the rail network'. many of them run train services." Via @willperrin on twitter, Aug 22 2013
- "The next stop is Arsenal. For those of you who wish to see Tony Adams standing around for 90 minutes with his arm in the air please get off there. Not my cup of tea but there you go!"
- "the train is warm and dry so count yourself lucky" - Southeastern driver during the big storm of 2014 Feb 12
- "This is Birmingham New Street. Please leave your valuables on the train. I will collect them at the end of my shift!"
- "This is coach 11 of 8" - Common on Southeastern when a bug in PIS cannot handle a 12 car train
- "This is information for passengers waiting on platform two. There is no information. I'm hoping to have some soon. As soon as I do, I'll let you have it."
- "this train has 350 seats not all of them in the first carriage, move to the the back please" - Heard on Southeastern June 10 2013 by @TheJamieBryant
- "This train, like many promising young football careers, terminates at West Ham."
- "To the man bouncing his ball on the platform, please take yourself to the nearest playground. In other words, the middle of the road right outside the station."
- "To the person who is skateboarding down the southbound platform - I suggest that you stop. There are approximately 640 volts going through the line beneath you, and if you care to fall off the skateboard you will find out."
- "We are going to be like sardines on this train, so can I ask that only slim people sit on the three seaters." "If you are fat then it is simply not going to work."
- "Welcome aboard the Flintstones railway. Once I get my feet on the floor and start running we should be on our way."
- On a slow train: "We have what is technically known as a Frank Spencer situation...Hmmm Betty, we've got a little bit of trouble..."
- "We'll shortly be arriving in Waterloo, then I think we'll carry on right through the Channel Tunnel and spend the weekend in Paris."
- "We're now approaching the new tunnel, so after three...1, 2, 3, wheeeeeeeeee!"
- "We have arrived earlier than expected, we will have to wait and depart 30 minutes later"
- "When the gentleman on platform four has finished his phone conversation, would he kindly tel us how he gets a mobile service here when the rest of us can't?"
- "When the gentleman urinating on platform 3 has finished, would he ask the attendant for a mop and bucket. Thank you."
- "Why do I have to be lying down?" - overheard in the background of an announcement on a train from Leeds back to Peterborough listing the scheduled stops and the times
- "Would the passengers taking the train on platform 9 please put it back" - heard on BBC Breakfast 2014 Oct 24
- ↑ 'Astronaut' joins rail commuters at St Albans City station BBC 2014 Dec 5
- ↑ TNT Magazine 2012 Feb 27
- ↑ The Sun (Subscription) 2012 Feb 27
- ↑ Train driver rebukes mobile phone 'shouter' - BBC retrieved Mar 11 2013
- ↑ Speaking toilets – you heard it here first! Passenger Focus, retrieved Jul 31 2013
- ↑ @ShanJar Shane Jarvis on Twitter 2015/4/8 - Words of the conductor on #southeastern train to Victoria: "I'm sorry, there are just too many people standing." I can hear children crying.
- ↑ The sun 9 Ludicrous excuses
- ↑ @Robbiehorgs, Twitter retrieved 12 Feb 2014
- ↑  retrieved Jun 20 2013
- ↑ The Fat Controller: station announcer 'tells obese passengers not to sit down on packed train' Daily Telegraph Mar 13 2015, retrieved Mar 23 2015